Dear diary,
Hello week 20 a.k.a. the week of pelvic pain. It had already started around the thirteenth week, a nagging pelvic pain, so the pelvic physio was already visited faithfully. On the advice of the gynaecologist, because it is better to start visiting early in order to limit the complaints. After the faithful visits, the exercises and the daily (painful) massages, I had not expected the pelvic pain to this extent and it hit me quite hard.Somewhere, I have the feeling that as long as I am not in my third trimester, I am not allowed to set boundaries that I feel are excessive. To start with work. I have always worked full-time, so I should be able to continue until my maternity leave. Especially when others encourage you in this and tell you that it's good to be able to earn some more money as a self-employed person, it's then even more difficult to accept and indicate that this - literally - no longer works for you. Ideally, I should start the day slowly in the morning and struggle until I can take another nap in the afternoon. On a bad day, I might even take two naps - or even have more time to rest than to work - after which I feel like the loser of the day. It's strange that you would understand this in someone else, but in yourself you are really ashamed and you feel you have to justify it all the time.
Besides working, there are a number of other things that I suddenly run into. Walking for too long causes extreme pains in my pelvis, which I then have to recover from for longer. Strange but true: sitting for too long also. Visiting the supermarket is suddenly tough and after half an hour of cooking while standing, I have trouble finding my posture. Whereas I used to be a busy bee who loved socialising, I now prefer to cocoon at home with my husband and especially to relieve my pelvis in order to have as little pain as possible.
I had already realised this, but this week it became painfully clear to me and I started to find a new way out of necessity. After a busy weekend that included hours on a wooden chair, I was all done and suddenly hard bellies appeared alongside severe pelvic pain. Something that I had not experienced beforehand and that shocked me. Of course it was nothing serious, but my body was giving me so many signals that I needed to rest. I listened to it anyway by taking a whole day off on Monday. Apart from crocheting for hours & sitting on the couch in my pyjamas without make-up all day (a unique thing that, apart from my corona fever days, hadn't happened for years), I did absolutely nothing.
Or yes: the only thing I did was cancel my appointments for this week. Resting, sleeping and, when I finally regained some strength, walking calmly down the street. And crying a lot, because what a disappointment this was. I envisaged my pregnancy as a pink cloud, where I would enjoy the little girl growing inside me and the time when we would still be together as a couple. Planning a babymoon and fun activities with our friends and family.
And of course you know it's going to be tough sometimes, but this week is really tough for me.
Maybe it is part of the 'learning process'; to indicate my boundaries more, to have less expectations of how things should be and to be honest with people about how things are going and how I feel about that. This pregnancy is almost therapeutic. In any case, I have already started by throwing it wide open on the internet. So sorry, maybe not sorry, for this negative week diary, but pregnancy is not - always - a pink cloud. <3
